Toilet Training – for those parents who can’t be arsed.

Toilet Training – for those parents who can’t be arsed.

I apologise in advance for the use of the terms potty training / toilet training. I know children aren’t dogs and can’t be trained however I am using this term basically to represent YOUR KID DOING A BLOODY PISS ON THE TOILET*. OK? Right, glad we have cleared that up.

*not an actual bloody piss. If your child does a bloody piss seek medical advice urgently. 

I’m writing this post all about the two words no parent wants to hear. TOILET TRAINING.

My youngest who is nearly 3 has just made the transition from nappies to toilet and I’m excited to say I’ll never have to toilet train another human being again.

With my eldest, I remember so vividly when he turned two and lots of people ask “are you potty training yet?” I used to feel so confused about this. Potty training? WHAT?! But most mums will agree your first child feels very GROWN UP at every age so at 2 and a couple of months I was like right, this very grown up child now needs to use the toilet! Fast forward and almost a year later I was still battling with him to use a toilet, ending in frustration on both his and my part, lots of tears (mine) and hours spent clearing up all the wee and poo. Joyous. He was eventually using the potty/toilet at about 3 and 2 months. So I had almost a year of trying to get him to use the toilet when he wasn’t ready. I was far too influenced by comments of others and lots of external companies and people basically saying that age 2 is when you toilet train.

With my second, she sort of just copied her brother and whipped off her nappy to use the toilet at about 2 and a bit. I actually tried to keep the nappies on her a bit longer because we went abroad to get married when she was 2 and 5 months and I thought it’d be easier for her to be in nappies on holiday! She was using the toilet off her own accord at about 2 and a half.

When my youngest hit 2, I was like HELL NO WAY am I toilet training this kid til he shows some serious signs of being ready and wanting to do it.

He is now 3 next month and this past week has been nappy free! It’s been up and down but generally he has done great and I really do think it’s because I haven’t at any point forced the matter on him, he has led the way and he seems ready – I can’t believe looking back I battled for so long with my eldest, it was such a hard time and I really wish I’d avoided it all. So I’m writing this in hope to save at least one person from having the same wasteful battle that I did. 

Here are my potty / toilet training tips. Obviously I am not an expert or professional and these are my personal tips and shouldn’t be taken as medical advice! Which I’m sure no sane person would do given the nature of this blog and that I am pretty clueless. ūüôā

  1. Wait. Don’t think at a certain age your child is now ready because they have hit that age. Be it 1, 2 or 3. Wait til he or she gives clear signs they are ready and actually, pretty much take off their nappy themselves to use the potty or toilet.
  2. Wait some more. Seriously, wait. Why the rush? I actually felt comfort that whilst some people are rushing off because little Billy has just wet his pants in the Poundland queue, I smugly stand my ground with my large 2.5 year old who has just curled out a beautiful turd in his nappy which can happily wait to be changed til I’ve paid for my basket of cheap items. Even if the stench offends everyone’s nostrils for the next half an hour. WIN!
  3. My kid literally started whipping off his own nappy and using our toilet. We are lucky to have a toilet just off our living area so we didn’t have to get a potty and have the whole potty-introduction stuff to do this time round. If you do have to do this, buy one and just leave it around, maybe explain to the kid you sit on it for wee’s and poo’s but don’t force the matter. My eldest used to do a wee and then promptly stick the potty on his head as a hat. Piss shower anyone?
  4. If you have access to a toilet near your main living area then use that, not a potty. Because some kids use a potty and then are very SCARED OF THE BIG TOILET. So you get them using a potty and then have to basically teach them to use the toilet. If you can skip the potty just makes it easier. If not then power to you. Potty’s rock. Ew.
  5. Boys – sit or stand? I remember with my eldest being really confused at how I taught him to wee. Turns out he started by sitting and then stood when he got better at it. My youngest however loves to stand on his little step and wee into the toilet. Take the kids lead and don’t push it either way. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is the golden stuff ends up in the toilet.
  6. Girls – awkward sprayage. I’m a child of ’86 and I can’t be the only one who remembers their mum holding you over a drain or a bush to do an emergency wee? Literally held under your legs in an air-squat whilst trying to aim your wee and avoid it spraying everywhere. I do remember doing this with my daughter in a forest, but basically girls wee can’t be aimed so the sprayage is inevitable. Boys have the benefit of penis here.
  7. This stage in your kid’s life basically entails you to clean up bodily functions a lot of times. It’s easier if you expect this. Don’t fight it, just keep lots of antibacterial spray or wipes around and always check the loo before letting Auntie Vera use the toilet. (This continues into boyhood by the way – piss on seat is forever going to be something you have to deal with. JOY!)
  8. Have lots of jogger type easy to pull down trousers – or shorts if it’s summer. Summer is an ideal but don’t let the fact that it’s summer make you try to do it if they’re not ready. Skip pants and knickers because they’re a waste of time, and also another layer to get down. Be prepared for lots of outfit changes – including socks sometimes too. Forget tights for girls. 
  9. If they aren’t already, your kid will be nakey from the waist down when at home. If visitors seem bothered by this, don’t let them in.
  10. Dark trousers don’t show up leaks as much as light ones. Be clever about this people!
  11. Get used to the smell of urine (Duh).
  12. Be prepared to be weed and pooed on again. Bit like having a newborn but worse, coz this kids faecal matter smells like he’s just eaten a curry and had 6 pints.
  13. You haven’t got enough pairs of trousers have you? Did you not read point 8? I said LOTS. 4 pairs won’t cut it. Go and buy triple the amount you think you’ll need. Well done.
  14. Stock up on toilet paper. You will be using a LOT. But rejoice to know you’re making a saving on nappies. 
  15. Ask ‘do you need a wee?’ every 5 minutes for the foreseeable future. This may drag on a bit like the newborn stage when you feel like they are newborn for years but actually when you’re out of the stage you look back fondly. It will end, but not yet. Keep asking. Ask some more. Soon they’ll force out a wee just to shut you up.
  16. So your kid seems OK with weeing on a toilet. Good! Poo’s are often another issue entirely. My youngest is scared of pooing out of a nappy so he holds it and gets mildly constipated and then I have to sit with him and help him poo which is always a pleasure. Feels a bit like watching your child give birth. Beautiful family bonding. Don’t fret too much if your kid doesn’t want to be poo-compliant. It’s another issue man.
  17. Find out the location of the toilet everywhere you need to go. Get the kid to use the toilet before leaving anywhere. Be prepared to spend a big chunk of your life in toilets, washing hands and placing soiled trousers into washing machine. Also hiding behind bushes, trees, lamp posts, people, walls. Lurk near drains. Choose play date venues based on toilet convenience and cleanliness.
  18. Have a potty in the car or under the pram for emergencies. Or an empty water bottle if you are super cool like me (and have a boy. Don’t try and get your daughter to wee into a bottle. This will not end well)
  19. Muttering expletives is fine. Don’t let them hear if poss. If they do just pretend you said “Ducks love using the toilet darling!”
  20. It’s OK to feel sad about this time. Your baby is growing up. As much as nappy changing wasn’t ever quite as a nice as a spa day, I weirdly miss it.
  21. Offer to change all your friends babies nappies at every opportunity. It’s such a novelty.
  22. Do an evil laugh every time your child successfully pees into something other than their clothes. It’s OK to feel proud. YOU ARE HELPING YOUR CHILD EXPEL BODILY FLUIDS INTO VESSELS. You bloody rock.

If you have any training tips for the parents out there who just can’t be arsed, feel free to share.

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    Peppa Pig First Cinema Experience – An Honest Review

    Peppa Pig First Cinema Experience – An Honest Review

    So, I took the 3 kiddos to see the Peppa Pig delightful cinema experience today and thought I’d give my view on it. Just for fun. *SPOILER warning* for those who don’t want to know the plot but I’m guessing everyone that is concerned about having it ruined for them is under 4 and not able to read this post. So we’re all good to continue!

    Cons:

    1. Peppa Pig episodes back to back with annoying interludes of ‘interaction’. Need I say more?
    2. The interaction segments had two kids or midgets dressed up in really poor foam Peppa and George outfits. Their arms didn’t even move. When George Pig played a set of drums, it was hilarious and embarrassing for the poor pig. Even the 2 year old looked a bit unconvinced at this bit. Why did they not think of this? I mean lets stick someone in a really shite dress up costume with flappy uncontrolled arms and then make them play the drums. Who’s running this show? Donald Trump?
    3. ‘Daisy’ the annoying interlude girl (who is probably a lovely person, sorry Daisy actress it’s not personal) made us want to cut off our own limbs. No-one is that happy all the time. She’s possibly a relative of Topsy and Tim’s mum.
    4. Daisy¬†is really bad at playing the hot and cold game. Like, whatever she was searching for was RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER EYES and she couldn’t see it. Maybe get an actress with better eye sight next time.
    5. One episode showed George pig using Daddy pig as a surfboard. This gives unrealistic ideas to small kids who want to then stick their dads in the nearest ocean and sail to France. Not cool.
    6. One episode showed the bunch of kids, errr I mean, animal cubs, or whatever they are, visiting The Queen at BHam Palace, just rocking up and ringing the doorbell and then The Queen only comes out and STEALS A BUS AND TAKES THEM ON A GUIDED TOUR OF LONDON. Fucking brilliant. Thanks for that Peppa Pig makers. I’ll let you explain to these impressionable kids why we can’t just pop along to the palace and ask The Queen to come out for a coffee with us. FFS.
    7. During the same Queen episode the children had to watch in horror whilst Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth 2nd then drove said stolen bus over Tower Bridge WHILST THE BRIDGE WAS LIFTED UP and then hang off the edge of the bridge without seeming mildly alarmed, only telling them all to ‘move to the front of the bus’ to tip the bus forward and back onto safety. Now WHAT THE FUCK. It was like watching the film Speed when the doomed bus jumps the road where there’s a segment missing and you watch through your hands hoping they make it.
    8. One episode showed them visiting a Zoo. Normal right? Well no, actually because all the characters are bloody animals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what on God’s Green Earth do they lock up for ANIMALS TO LOOK AT? I half expected them to go to various ‘Human’ enclosures and see them cooing over men, women and children, all naked and living in in nature. But no, just other animals. Confusing or what?
    9. I may have got this bit wrong and looked away or fell asleep, but I’m sure on one episode they showed them flying to Australia in an open top plane. Wrong.
    10. In same Australia themed episodes, some Kangaroo character threw a Boomerang and it smashed the neighbours window. They then proceeded to smash 2 more of this guys windows, and then said ooops we better be leaving now, and left the poor neighbour with 3 broken windows. When my kid goes around smashing windows I’ll be sending the bill to the Peppa Pig director man. Not cool. The dads could have at least had a row about who was to blame and maybe a punch up, made it all the more realistic for everyone.
    11. My 7 year old halfway through, whilst watching one of the entertaining songs turned to me in a serious fashion and said “Mum, this is more like a horror”. Nuff said bro.

    Pro’s:

    1. We laughed
    2. I didn’t feel bad about the toddler singing, jumping, laughing and shouting
    3. We went to a ‘Mini Morning’ showing at Vue so it cost us ¬£10 for 4 of us rather than the usual ¬£890.
    4. I was able to sit down, in a dark room for an hour
    5. The Toddler only trapped his knee 15 times, tried to run away twice, threw his drink over the seat in front 18 times and screamed at the wrong moment perhaps 32 times.

    All in all a GREAT SUCCESS!

    Ps. Yes this is written in jest, for all the whingebags who will complain ūüôā

    Simple or Perfect, it’s all just Love

    Simple or Perfect, it’s all just Love

    My 2-and-a-half year old managed to teach me something recently that I want to share with you, as it really stunned me how he managed to have a better perspective on life than I have. How it’s easy to lose sight of what’s actually going on in front of your eyes.

    We were walking past a row of houses on our way to school to pick up the big kids. Toddler is very into flowers at the moment and we spend lots of time looking for them, blowing dandelions is one of his favourite things to do. I was carrying him in my arms as he was tired, and he looked across at the house we were about to pass and pointed, “Mummy look!!! Flowers… LOTS of flowers…!” I looked over and saw the house he was pointing to had a beautiful front garden full of ornate plant pots, filled with brightly coloured plants and flowers, all with perfectly neat soil. There seemed to be every variety of flower you could imagine all perfectly planted. Lot of wonderful ornaments and statues, it was one of those amazing garden’s you only dream of having.  I told him the flowers were lovely and we admired them as we walked past…  his smile was so big looking at them all.

    As we approached the neighbouring house he was still keenly looking to spot more flowers. He suddenly shrieked and shouted “WOW WOW MUMMY Look MORE FLOWERS! Pretty!!!” even happier sounding than before. I looked across expecting to see another garden full of perfect flowers but instead the grass next door was patchy, a simple lawn with wild daisy’s scattered all over it. There was nothing else. It consisted of nothing but natural grass with simple wild flowers. I looked at his face and how happy and amazed he was by that garden. He wasn’t comparing it to the first at all, just admiring the daisy’s for exactly what they were. It was just another garden with flowers to him. He was completely right. The second garden was pretty. Yes it was simple, it was natural. The toddler didn’t care about comparing the two, just that a flower is a flower and that’s that. The second one was no less of a garden full of flowers, and he saw it for what it was. Beautiful, and simple and absolutely no less than the first garden.

    It made me think that even if I usually feel like the mother equivalent of a patchy lawn with wild daisy’s growing in it, that it is OK to be just that, and I should stop comparing myself to the garden next door. Simple doesn’t mean any less beautiful, or any less at all. If the flowers symbolise the love we have for our children, it doesn’t matter whether you have your flowers perfectly planted, preened and arranged, or you would liken yourself to a patchy section of wild daisy’s that grow randomly through the soil, the children don’t see anything apart from what’s there: love. And that’s what matters.

    Photos: the beautiful Winter Wonder toddlers. Freya, Maddi, Rhea and Danny.

    Best of Worst

     

    Monday morning school run fun! (NOT)

    Monday morning school run fun! (NOT)

     

    Step-by-step guide on how to be a mum with school aged kids on a Monday morning. You’re welcome!

    1. Wake up before dawn with Monday hitting you in the face like a frying panmondays
    2. Wonder why the toddler hates you so much
    3. Feed him lots of food Рwhatever keeps him happy and quiet
    4. Sip a coffee with one eye closed and wonder how this became your life
    5. Make the most of the partial silence as toddler watches Teletubbies because soon the big 2 will wake and all hell will break loose
    6. Older kids wake up and are pissed off that it’s not the weekend still. You and me both kiddo!
    7. They don’t want any of the 10 breakfast options that you have for them
    8. Can they have crisps for breakfast?
    9. Regret not doing packed lunches the night before – WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?!
    10. Break up 2 fights, clear up cheerios and milk off the table again because toddler has no self control and wants to wear the bowl as a hat
    11. Rescue toddler from standing on top of the table dancing in milk
    12. Shout at Remind bigger kids to get dressed 45 times
    13. Convince eldest that he does need to wear clean underwear every day
    14. Stop toddler putting random bits of uniform in the bin
    15. Listen to diva daughter moaning about having her hair styled for school
    16. Resist hitting her with the hair brush
    17. Get yourself washed dressed and ready in 2 minutes flat because HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DO ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!
    18. Toddler empties 3 cupboards and starts eating something off the floor which you hope is something from breakfast today
    19. Oversee tooth brushing by saying ‘BRUSH’ over and over again
    20. Help find shoes because your kids have ‘selective kid blindness’
    21. Sort out an itchy sock
    22. Stop toddler climbing in the fish tank
    23. Referee argument over who got ready first or who gets to walk out of the door first… (yes really, kids argue over this shit!)
    24. Toddler decides to do a huge dump just as you are walking out of the door
    25. Leave the house looking like you’ve been burgled
    26. Wonder why school starts so bloody early

    If you have¬†these crazy morning experiences like me *please say someone else does!* I’d love for you to¬†LIKE this post and SHARE with other mums who might empathise!

    Thank you xx

     

    You Baby Me Mummy
    Parent’s meeting at school FML

    Parent’s meeting at school FML

    Parent’s meeting attendance with¬†your spirited pre-schooler.

    These sort of things may happen to you during a parent teacher meeting:

    • Toddler screams
    • Toddler tries to escape room¬†32 times
    • Toddler successfully escapes twice
    • Toddler touches teachers leg 45 times
    • Toddler wants to ‘paint’ aka draw and screams ‘paint’ 98 times
    • Toddler hides under chair and won’t come out 5 times
    • Toddler wipes snot on chair
    • Toddler finds sharp pins and begins to play with them
    • Teacher laughs nervously every time toddler¬†does all of the above
    • Toddler doesn’t give any fucks about his siblings progress at school, not one
    • Toddler hates you for bringing him to this boring room of no fun
    • Toddler doesn’t want to watch Peppa bloody Pig on your phone! for the first time ever
    • Toddler for the first time in history, doesn’t want snacks or to play with the handy crayons you brought to keep him occupied either….
    • Toddler becomes angel of all that is good and pure as soon as you leave the school and begin walking home

    Handy tips:

    1. Leave toddler at home with a trusted adult to supervise them in your absence
    2. It’s your own fault for bringing toddler to the meeting
    3. Go home and cry into your tea about how your toddler is such a dick and makes you look like an even bigger dick of a mum

     

     

    tea

     

    My Toddler is an asshole

    My Toddler is an asshole

    The Toddler is nearly 2. I think he must have recently received a memo from The King Toddler to tell him to start being an asshole.

    DEAR TODDLER, AS YOU NEAR YOUR SECOND BIRTHDAY, IT’S TIME TO NOW ACT LIKE A DICK IN ORDER TO MAKE YOUR MOTHER’S LIFE HARDER. SHE’S HAD IT EASY LATELY. SO STEP UP YOUR GAME, SIR, OR ELSE YOU’LL BE CAST OUT OF TODDLER WORLD FOREVER, LOVE, THE KING ASSHOLE TODDLER XX

    He doesn’t want to sit in the pram, when he’s out of the pram he wants to run away/run into roads/pick up dog poo etc. I’ve tried reins, he hates them. Doesn’t want to hold hands. Just wants to run far away from me. Which would be fine if it wasn’t my job in life to keep him alive.

    He doesn’t want to eat. When he does want to eat its when I have NO BLOODY BANANAS left because you threw them all¬†on the floor and stamped on them!!! Ooops, went off on a tangent there. Anyway where was I, oh yes, bananas. When I do have bananas they are too yellow, or too small, or big. Unless we are at someone else’s house, then he eats everything and makes me look like a liar. Meals get thrown on the floor, or ignored. But CHOC CHOC is requested all day every day. Sometimes I just give him the bloody choc choc. There, mummy’s broken today, go eat the fricking Twix and give me 5 mins peace. Thank you please.

    He doesn’t want to sleep. Unless I am just about to pull up to a nice country park for a walk in the fresh air. Now he sleeps…. So I have to¬†wake him and take him for a ‘I’ve just been woken up’ toddler walk which basically means he falls over into mud 800 times. Moans about being dirty. Doesn’t want to walk. Wants to sleep.¬†Joy. ¬†Normally you want to run but right now, lets sit in mud and cry.

    He doesn’t want to share. I know this is developmental, and nearly 2 year old’s don’t understand sharing. But it’s annoying when you’re at a playgroup and sharing is THE THING to do. Especially when Diane’s little boy is sharing SO NICELY over there and makes my child look like even more of an a-hole!

    He doesn’t want me to play with him. Until it’s time for me to cook dinner that no-one will eat. THEN he wants me to play. Usually ends up with him clinging onto my legs and crying whilst I try to cook something that everyone will like (this never happens by the way!) ¬†I used to let him play on the floor with pots and pans etc… He doesn’t want to do that anymore. Get with the programme mummy!

    legs

    He doesn’t want his nappy changed. Apart from when HE decides to strip his clothes and nappy off, just after doing a mammoth poo. He chooses to do this whilst I have happened to visit the toilet and leave the room for a whole 2 minutes. Silly mummy. No, worries, I’ll clean up¬†the poop from every surface in the room. *cries*

    It seems like he’s out to break me. He may already have done, actually.

    Disclaimer – I know all of the above is normal toddler behaviour. I’ve had 2 toddlers before…. a year apart. I’ve been here before. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that this age is SUCH hard work. It’s constant, battling of wills, fast paced and difficult to try to reason with a little person who HAS no reason. I love him to bits, but he stresses me out so much! ūüôā

    In fairness to toddlers, he’s very cute. Getting really clever learning colours and numbers. Likes animals. I know he won’t be an asshole toddler forever. I will long for these crazy toddler days when all he wants from me is wifi, food and money.

    Please share your toddler stories so I know I’m not alone here!

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