Peppa Pig First Cinema Experience – An Honest Review

Peppa Pig First Cinema Experience – An Honest Review

So, I took the 3 kiddos to see the Peppa Pig delightful cinema experience today and thought I’d give my view on it. Just for fun. *SPOILER warning* for those who don’t want to know the plot but I’m guessing everyone that is concerned about having it ruined for them is under 4 and not able to read this post. So we’re all good to continue!

Cons:

  1. Peppa Pig episodes back to back with annoying interludes of ‘interaction’. Need I say more?
  2. The interaction segments had two kids or midgets dressed up in really poor foam Peppa and George outfits. Their arms didn’t even move. When George Pig played a set of drums, it was hilarious and embarrassing for the poor pig. Even the 2 year old looked a bit unconvinced at this bit. Why did they not think of this? I mean lets stick someone in a really shite dress up costume with flappy uncontrolled arms and then make them play the drums. Who’s running this show? Donald Trump?
  3. ‘Daisy’ the annoying interlude girl (who is probably a lovely person, sorry Daisy actress it’s not personal) made us want to cut off our own limbs. No-one is that happy all the time. She’s possibly a relative of Topsy and Tim’s mum.
  4. Daisy is really bad at playing the hot and cold game. Like, whatever she was searching for was RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER EYES and she couldn’t see it. Maybe get an actress with better eye sight next time.
  5. One episode showed George pig using Daddy pig as a surfboard. This gives unrealistic ideas to small kids who want to then stick their dads in the nearest ocean and sail to France. Not cool.
  6. One episode showed the bunch of kids, errr I mean, animal cubs, or whatever they are, visiting The Queen at BHam Palace, just rocking up and ringing the doorbell and then The Queen only comes out and STEALS A BUS AND TAKES THEM ON A GUIDED TOUR OF LONDON. Fucking brilliant. Thanks for that Peppa Pig makers. I’ll let you explain to these impressionable kids why we can’t just pop along to the palace and ask The Queen to come out for a coffee with us. FFS.
  7. During the same Queen episode the children had to watch in horror whilst Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth 2nd then drove said stolen bus over Tower Bridge WHILST THE BRIDGE WAS LIFTED UP and then hang off the edge of the bridge without seeming mildly alarmed, only telling them all to ‘move to the front of the bus’ to tip the bus forward and back onto safety. Now WHAT THE FUCK. It was like watching the film Speed when the doomed bus jumps the road where there’s a segment missing and you watch through your hands hoping they make it.
  8. One episode showed them visiting a Zoo. Normal right? Well no, actually because all the characters are bloody animals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what on God’s Green Earth do they lock up for ANIMALS TO LOOK AT? I half expected them to go to various ‘Human’ enclosures and see them cooing over men, women and children, all naked and living in in nature. But no, just other animals. Confusing or what?
  9. I may have got this bit wrong and looked away or fell asleep, but I’m sure on one episode they showed them flying to Australia in an open top plane. Wrong.
  10. In same Australia themed episodes, some Kangaroo character threw a Boomerang and it smashed the neighbours window. They then proceeded to smash 2 more of this guys windows, and then said ooops we better be leaving now, and left the poor neighbour with 3 broken windows. When my kid goes around smashing windows I’ll be sending the bill to the Peppa Pig director man. Not cool. The dads could have at least had a row about who was to blame and maybe a punch up, made it all the more realistic for everyone.
  11. My 7 year old halfway through, whilst watching one of the entertaining songs turned to me in a serious fashion and said “Mum, this is more like a horror”. Nuff said bro.

Pro’s:

  1. We laughed
  2. I didn’t feel bad about the toddler singing, jumping, laughing and shouting
  3. We went to a ‘Mini Morning’ showing at Vue so it cost us £10 for 4 of us rather than the usual £890.
  4. I was able to sit down, in a dark room for an hour
  5. The Toddler only trapped his knee 15 times, tried to run away twice, threw his drink over the seat in front 18 times and screamed at the wrong moment perhaps 32 times.

All in all a GREAT SUCCESS!

Ps. Yes this is written in jest, for all the whingebags who will complain 🙂

Simple or Perfect, it’s all just Love

Simple or Perfect, it’s all just Love

My 2-and-a-half year old managed to teach me something recently that I want to share with you, as it really stunned me how he managed to have a better perspective on life than I have. How it’s easy to lose sight of what’s actually going on in front of your eyes.

We were walking past a row of houses on our way to school to pick up the big kids. Toddler is very into flowers at the moment and we spend lots of time looking for them, blowing dandelions is one of his favourite things to do. I was carrying him in my arms as he was tired, and he looked across at the house we were about to pass and pointed, “Mummy look!!! Flowers… LOTS of flowers…!” I looked over and saw the house he was pointing to had a beautiful front garden full of ornate plant pots, filled with brightly coloured plants and flowers, all with perfectly neat soil. There seemed to be every variety of flower you could imagine all perfectly planted. Lot of wonderful ornaments and statues, it was one of those amazing garden’s you only dream of having.  I told him the flowers were lovely and we admired them as we walked past…  his smile was so big looking at them all.

As we approached the neighbouring house he was still keenly looking to spot more flowers. He suddenly shrieked and shouted “WOW WOW MUMMY Look MORE FLOWERS! Pretty!!!” even happier sounding than before. I looked across expecting to see another garden full of perfect flowers but instead the grass next door was patchy, a simple lawn with wild daisy’s scattered all over it. There was nothing else. It consisted of nothing but natural grass with simple wild flowers. I looked at his face and how happy and amazed he was by that garden. He wasn’t comparing it to the first at all, just admiring the daisy’s for exactly what they were. It was just another garden with flowers to him. He was completely right. The second garden was pretty. Yes it was simple, it was natural. The toddler didn’t care about comparing the two, just that a flower is a flower and that’s that. The second one was no less of a garden full of flowers, and he saw it for what it was. Beautiful, and simple and absolutely no less than the first garden.

It made me think that even if I usually feel like the mother equivalent of a patchy lawn with wild daisy’s growing in it, that it is OK to be just that, and I should stop comparing myself to the garden next door. Simple doesn’t mean any less beautiful, or any less at all. If the flowers symbolise the love we have for our children, it doesn’t matter whether you have your flowers perfectly planted, preened and arranged, or you would liken yourself to a patchy section of wild daisy’s that grow randomly through the soil, the children don’t see anything apart from what’s there: love. And that’s what matters.

Photos: the beautiful Winter Wonder toddlers. Freya, Maddi, Rhea and Danny.

Best of Worst

 

Monday morning school run fun! (NOT)

Monday morning school run fun! (NOT)

 

Step-by-step guide on how to be a mum with school aged kids on a Monday morning. You’re welcome!

  1. Wake up before dawn with Monday hitting you in the face like a frying panmondays
  2. Wonder why the toddler hates you so much
  3. Feed him lots of food – whatever keeps him happy and quiet
  4. Sip a coffee with one eye closed and wonder how this became your life
  5. Make the most of the partial silence as toddler watches Teletubbies because soon the big 2 will wake and all hell will break loose
  6. Older kids wake up and are pissed off that it’s not the weekend still. You and me both kiddo!
  7. They don’t want any of the 10 breakfast options that you have for them
  8. Can they have crisps for breakfast?
  9. Regret not doing packed lunches the night before – WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?!
  10. Break up 2 fights, clear up cheerios and milk off the table again because toddler has no self control and wants to wear the bowl as a hat
  11. Rescue toddler from standing on top of the table dancing in milk
  12. Shout at Remind bigger kids to get dressed 45 times
  13. Convince eldest that he does need to wear clean underwear every day
  14. Stop toddler putting random bits of uniform in the bin
  15. Listen to diva daughter moaning about having her hair styled for school
  16. Resist hitting her with the hair brush
  17. Get yourself washed dressed and ready in 2 minutes flat because HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DO ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!
  18. Toddler empties 3 cupboards and starts eating something off the floor which you hope is something from breakfast today
  19. Oversee tooth brushing by saying ‘BRUSH’ over and over again
  20. Help find shoes because your kids have ‘selective kid blindness’
  21. Sort out an itchy sock
  22. Stop toddler climbing in the fish tank
  23. Referee argument over who got ready first or who gets to walk out of the door first… (yes really, kids argue over this shit!)
  24. Toddler decides to do a huge dump just as you are walking out of the door
  25. Leave the house looking like you’ve been burgled
  26. Wonder why school starts so bloody early

If you have these crazy morning experiences like me *please say someone else does!* I’d love for you to LIKE this post and SHARE with other mums who might empathise!

Thank you xx

 

You Baby Me Mummy
Parent’s meeting at school FML

Parent’s meeting at school FML

Parent’s meeting attendance with your spirited pre-schooler.

These sort of things may happen to you during a parent teacher meeting:

  • Toddler screams
  • Toddler tries to escape room 32 times
  • Toddler successfully escapes twice
  • Toddler touches teachers leg 45 times
  • Toddler wants to ‘paint’ aka draw and screams ‘paint’ 98 times
  • Toddler hides under chair and won’t come out 5 times
  • Toddler wipes snot on chair
  • Toddler finds sharp pins and begins to play with them
  • Teacher laughs nervously every time toddler does all of the above
  • Toddler doesn’t give any fucks about his siblings progress at school, not one
  • Toddler hates you for bringing him to this boring room of no fun
  • Toddler doesn’t want to watch Peppa bloody Pig on your phone! for the first time ever
  • Toddler for the first time in history, doesn’t want snacks or to play with the handy crayons you brought to keep him occupied either….
  • Toddler becomes angel of all that is good and pure as soon as you leave the school and begin walking home

Handy tips:

  1. Leave toddler at home with a trusted adult to supervise them in your absence
  2. It’s your own fault for bringing toddler to the meeting
  3. Go home and cry into your tea about how your toddler is such a dick and makes you look like an even bigger dick of a mum

 

 

tea

 

My Toddler is an asshole

My Toddler is an asshole

The Toddler is nearly 2. I think he must have recently received a memo from The King Toddler to tell him to start being an asshole.

DEAR TODDLER, AS YOU NEAR YOUR SECOND BIRTHDAY, IT’S TIME TO NOW ACT LIKE A DICK IN ORDER TO MAKE YOUR MOTHER’S LIFE HARDER. SHE’S HAD IT EASY LATELY. SO STEP UP YOUR GAME, SIR, OR ELSE YOU’LL BE CAST OUT OF TODDLER WORLD FOREVER, LOVE, THE KING ASSHOLE TODDLER XX

He doesn’t want to sit in the pram, when he’s out of the pram he wants to run away/run into roads/pick up dog poo etc. I’ve tried reins, he hates them. Doesn’t want to hold hands. Just wants to run far away from me. Which would be fine if it wasn’t my job in life to keep him alive.

He doesn’t want to eat. When he does want to eat its when I have NO BLOODY BANANAS left because you threw them all on the floor and stamped on them!!! Ooops, went off on a tangent there. Anyway where was I, oh yes, bananas. When I do have bananas they are too yellow, or too small, or big. Unless we are at someone else’s house, then he eats everything and makes me look like a liar. Meals get thrown on the floor, or ignored. But CHOC CHOC is requested all day every day. Sometimes I just give him the bloody choc choc. There, mummy’s broken today, go eat the fricking Twix and give me 5 mins peace. Thank you please.

He doesn’t want to sleep. Unless I am just about to pull up to a nice country park for a walk in the fresh air. Now he sleeps…. So I have to wake him and take him for a ‘I’ve just been woken up’ toddler walk which basically means he falls over into mud 800 times. Moans about being dirty. Doesn’t want to walk. Wants to sleep. Joy.  Normally you want to run but right now, lets sit in mud and cry.

He doesn’t want to share. I know this is developmental, and nearly 2 year old’s don’t understand sharing. But it’s annoying when you’re at a playgroup and sharing is THE THING to do. Especially when Diane’s little boy is sharing SO NICELY over there and makes my child look like even more of an a-hole!

He doesn’t want me to play with him. Until it’s time for me to cook dinner that no-one will eat. THEN he wants me to play. Usually ends up with him clinging onto my legs and crying whilst I try to cook something that everyone will like (this never happens by the way!)  I used to let him play on the floor with pots and pans etc… He doesn’t want to do that anymore. Get with the programme mummy!

legs

He doesn’t want his nappy changed. Apart from when HE decides to strip his clothes and nappy off, just after doing a mammoth poo. He chooses to do this whilst I have happened to visit the toilet and leave the room for a whole 2 minutes. Silly mummy. No, worries, I’ll clean up the poop from every surface in the room. *cries*

It seems like he’s out to break me. He may already have done, actually.

Disclaimer – I know all of the above is normal toddler behaviour. I’ve had 2 toddlers before…. a year apart. I’ve been here before. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that this age is SUCH hard work. It’s constant, battling of wills, fast paced and difficult to try to reason with a little person who HAS no reason. I love him to bits, but he stresses me out so much! 🙂

In fairness to toddlers, he’s very cute. Getting really clever learning colours and numbers. Likes animals. I know he won’t be an asshole toddler forever. I will long for these crazy toddler days when all he wants from me is wifi, food and money.

Please share your toddler stories so I know I’m not alone here!

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