Parent’s meeting at school FML

Parent’s meeting at school FML

Parent’s meeting attendance with your spirited pre-schooler.

These sort of things may happen to you during a parent teacher meeting:

  • Toddler screams
  • Toddler tries to escape room 32 times
  • Toddler successfully escapes twice
  • Toddler touches teachers leg 45 times
  • Toddler wants to ‘paint’ aka draw and screams ‘paint’ 98 times
  • Toddler hides under chair and won’t come out 5 times
  • Toddler wipes snot on chair
  • Toddler finds sharp pins and begins to play with them
  • Teacher laughs nervously every time toddler does all of the above
  • Toddler doesn’t give any fucks about his siblings progress at school, not one
  • Toddler hates you for bringing him to this boring room of no fun
  • Toddler doesn’t want to watch Peppa bloody Pig on your phone! for the first time ever
  • Toddler for the first time in history, doesn’t want snacks or to play with the handy crayons you brought to keep him occupied either….
  • Toddler becomes angel of all that is good and pure as soon as you leave the school and begin walking home

Handy tips:

  1. Leave toddler at home with a trusted adult to supervise them in your absence
  2. It’s your own fault for bringing toddler to the meeting
  3. Go home and cry into your tea about how your toddler is such a dick and makes you look like an even bigger dick of a mum

 

 

tea

 

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Friday Nights, mum style!

Friday Nights, mum style!

It’s the weekend! Friday night… oh this used to be my favourite night of the week. Before children, of course.  When I used to go out and socialise and spend the weekend throwing as much alcohol down my neck as I could and laying in bed. Not at the same time…Obvs.

Now it’s the night I realise I have no school to bring light relief for TWO WHOLE DAYS…. and two whole days of trying to entertain them and remain sane.  But it’s also the end of half term so right now we’re in the middle of a whole lotta entertaining them.

As I type right now, I sit in bed with The Toddler whilst he drinks his milk (in a bottle… no f*cks given!) and watch The Gruffalo. I do this every night now. It’s his new favourite thing to do. He screams “WATCH SNAKE!” at me around 30 times a day.  He doesn’t speak too well so he actually says “WAH NAKE!” but I know what he means.

It’s quite nice actually. Coz The Gruffalo goes on for hours (or like, 25 minutes) so it gives me some time to snooze/gaze at my phone or generally be in darkness and quietness. Sometimes the big kids join me, sometimes they don’t. But everyone’s quiet whilst we watch the bloody mouse walking through the woods again.

Anyway, I hope your Friday night is as cool as mine. Here’s some interesting things I’ll be doing:

1. Clearing up food off the floor, muttering swear words to myself about why I’m the only f*cker who clears up around here.

2. Finding socks stuffed down the side of the sofa/behind the curtains/under the rug/anywhere The Big Boy thinks I won’t see them. He has a sock aversion. Takes them off and hides them.

3. Wondering how it’s already the end of the half term week and all that washing I was going to catch up on hasn’t yet been done. Poop.

4. Refereeing an argument between the Big Two kids over some inane subject like who smiled at who in a funny way or who was the last one to feed the fish.

5. Putting everyone to bed more than once and threatening something I probably won’t follow through with, like no iPad for 2 years…..

I’ll also have a nice hot cuppa and hopefully watch some educational TV like TOWIE or Eastenders. Rock n Roll!

Have a lovely evening anyone who reads this. Remember when the kids are older we’ll all be doing vodka shots in the eyeball again.