Now, you might be the sort of person who loves to dine out with your small humans. The words “shall we go out to eat” literally fill me with dread. I do not enjoy going out to eat with the kids. Unless it’s going to the drive thru. Which I’m sure doesn’t count as out to eat. Here’s why:
- My kids are fucking loud. They want to talk to me in detail about their itchy bum holes, their hatred for the world and ask questions that I cannot answer, very loudly, always in the presence of normal people. People who are looking at me like “ARE ALL THESE KIDS YOURS????”
- My kids eat like rabid wolves. So this isn’t ENTIRELY true but I feel like they do. Big boy always ends up with more food around his mouth than in it. Diva daughter dips her hair into some sauce. Toddler… well you can imagine.
- Toddlers don’t give any fucks about manners or decorum. They just do weird things like scream, shout, bang, throw food, shout MINE SPOON 234 times, and act like total dickheads. It’s like they know they need to be semi-normal and decide to test you when eating out. Come on mum, bet you can’t keep your cool whilst I throw a bowl of peas at you one by one can you? Silly bitch.
- My kids are fussy as fuck. They rarely eat a proper meal out, unless it’s chicken fucknuggets and chips. Even then the big boy child can’t stand chips. So just a plate of meat then. OK great!
- Kids always need to poo when you are in the middle of your main course. Sometimes, they all need to poo in quick succession, so I spend a good 45 mins in the toilet, like a weird pervert type person, just lingering around. I feel like I need a big sign on my head that says MY KID IS DOING ANOTHER SHIT! so everyone is aware I’m not just lurking in the bogs.
- One kid always knocks a drink over. Usually into a parent’s dinner. Or over their siblings food. They’ll never eat it now!
- Paying the bill feels wrong – like we are paying a LOT of money to be tortured by trying to get my feral children to ACT NORMAL whilst eating in front of other people for a couple of hours.
- You never enjoy your food. Well I don’t anyway. Imagine eating a slice of pizza whilst being hit over the head with a block of wood, whilst being spat at by someone with bad breath at the same time as smelling someones fart. The pizza isn’t so tasty now huh?
- I always end up resorting to phone babysitter for help! Toddler gets bored easily and after he’s had all the fun throwing shit around, screaming, and we’ve sang songs and played hand-games, I reluctantly get YouTube up on my phone and let him watch Peppa the Poxy Pig just for 10 mins peace and quiet. I can feel the eyes of the other diners boring into me as I eat “YOU CAVED IN! need a phone to entertain your child do you???” Well yes I clearly do, fuckers!
On the very odd occasion myself and the husband dine out alone, we spend half the meal (OK more like 80%) talking ABOUT the kids, looking at pictures of them on our phones, and generally wishing they were there. So I’m clearly a glutton for punishment who is not happy with either set up! (Although eating out is a lot cheaper just the two of us! and I come home with less food in my hair. WIN!)
Anyone else? Or just me? I’d love to hear your funny eating out with kids stories…..