Christmas Day is nearly here. Here are a few handy phrases of what NOT to say to your children on the big day.
If in doubt, just smile and breathe and sing a Christmas song loudly.
When they wake at 4am:
“Fuck off, I was up til 2am wrapping and making stuff look magical for you”
When they ask why the wrapping paper is the same as the gifts you wrapped for relatives:
“Stop being so nosey”
When they want to play the same board game with you for the 26th time:
“Hell no, you suck at this game and it stopped being fun after the 5th time we played”
When they want to sleep in your bed on Christmas night:
“Like fuck, I’m mildy tipsy and might want to have special cuddles with daddy, now piss off to your own bed and don’t get up til 9am!”
When they tell you they are bored:
“Are you shitting me? You have new toys, gadgets and games. You don’t know the meaning of the word bored!”
When they say they are hungry:
“Hungry? Hungry? You have eaten your bodyweight in chocolate, a thousand selection boxes, a big roast dinner, cake, and 12 packets of crisps”
When they have a tantrum:
“Listen, dickhead, we are all being jolly and happy because it’s Christmas, don’t ruin it with your stroppy temper in front of Uncle Bill”
When they want to try your drink aka ‘Mum Juice’:
“OK, have a big swig of that vodka and coke. Hopefully it will help you calm the fuck down for an hour”
When they want to play with the toys you bought for them:
“Ahhh, for fucks sake, it takes an hour to get this poxy toy out of the box because some dickhead decided to nail it into the box with 389 tiny little screw nail twisty things. Why didn’t I unbox it before wrapping?!?!”
When they ask for you to wipe / check their bum after a poo:
“In the name of baby Jesus, can I finish my delicious turkey dinner in peace without having to wipe someone elses shit????? Just for one fucking day?”
When the baby shits during dinner:
When they are tired towards the end of the festivities:
“Lie down and go to sleep for once. Mummy would very much like to do that too but as Christmas is for kids, it would make me look bad to be asleep right now! Make the most of napping whilst you can child!!!!!”
You are welcome!
Ps – no children were sworn at in the writing of this fictional tongue in cheek post!