My Toddler is an asshole

My Toddler is an asshole

The Toddler is nearly 2. I think he must have recently received a memo from The King Toddler to tell him to start being an asshole.


He doesn’t want to sit in the pram, when he’s out of the pram he wants to run away/run into roads/pick up dog poo etc. I’ve tried reins, he hates them. Doesn’t want to hold hands. Just wants to run far away from me. Which would be fine if it wasn’t my job in life to keep him alive.

He doesn’t want to eat. When he does want to eat its when I have NO BLOODY BANANAS left because you threw them all on the floor and stamped on them!!! Ooops, went off on a tangent there. Anyway where was I, oh yes, bananas. When I do have bananas they are too yellow, or too small, or big. Unless we are at someone else’s house, then he eats everything and makes me look like a liar. Meals get thrown on the floor, or ignored. But CHOC CHOC is requested all day every day. Sometimes I just give him the bloody choc choc. There, mummy’s broken today, go eat the fricking Twix and give me 5 mins peace. Thank you please.

He doesn’t want to sleep. Unless I am just about to pull up to a nice country park for a walk in the fresh air. Now he sleeps…. So I have to wake him and take him for a ‘I’ve just been woken up’ toddler walk which basically means he falls over into mud 800 times. Moans about being dirty. Doesn’t want to walk. Wants to sleep. Joy.  Normally you want to run but right now, lets sit in mud and cry.

He doesn’t want to share. I know this is developmental, and nearly 2 year old’s don’t understand sharing. But it’s annoying when you’re at a playgroup and sharing is THE THING to do. Especially when Diane’s little boy is sharing SO NICELY over there and makes my child look like even more of an a-hole!

He doesn’t want me to play with him. Until it’s time for me to cook dinner that no-one will eat. THEN he wants me to play. Usually ends up with him clinging onto my legs and crying whilst I try to cook something that everyone will like (this never happens by the way!)  I used to let him play on the floor with pots and pans etc… He doesn’t want to do that anymore. Get with the programme mummy!


He doesn’t want his nappy changed. Apart from when HE decides to strip his clothes and nappy off, just after doing a mammoth poo. He chooses to do this whilst I have happened to visit the toilet and leave the room for a whole 2 minutes. Silly mummy. No, worries, I’ll clean up the poop from every surface in the room. *cries*

It seems like he’s out to break me. He may already have done, actually.

Disclaimer – I know all of the above is normal toddler behaviour. I’ve had 2 toddlers before…. a year apart. I’ve been here before. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that this age is SUCH hard work. It’s constant, battling of wills, fast paced and difficult to try to reason with a little person who HAS no reason. I love him to bits, but he stresses me out so much! 🙂

In fairness to toddlers, he’s very cute. Getting really clever learning colours and numbers. Likes animals. I know he won’t be an asshole toddler forever. I will long for these crazy toddler days when all he wants from me is wifi, food and money.

Please share your toddler stories so I know I’m not alone here!

27 thoughts on “My Toddler is an asshole

  1. just wanted to say brilliant first blog, how true. i have an approaching 2 year old and bananas are so yesterday lol and every surface is a new challenge to climb up.
    Had me in stitches at “my job to keep him alive”


  2. My daughter is exactly the same!! Eating is a constant battle.. loves bananas but if I try and peel it then there’s no hope of her eating it, in fact I should just squish it into the carpet myself!! We won’t mention the trip to A & e this afternoon as apparently the nose is a good place to keep k nex 🙊
    Great blog!! x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m constantly battling my 3 year old on EVERYTHING! She’s in a phase right now where nothing I do is right. Mommy I want cereal. I get her cereal. I don’t want cereal mommy! I don’t want it! Well, dear, I don’t want you to scream at me in that tone that’s almost so high pitched that only dogs can hear it. I love her so much, but sometimes I just want her to go play quietly in her room so I can day drink that bottle of vodka I have stashed in the back of the fridge

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha… thank you! It’s just reality! I love writing about the real side of motherhood. It definitely can be cuddly warmth and kisses but some days its just tears and shit! 🙂 I’ll come over now and check your page out. Mother of 5 – hats off! x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve got all this to come. I see mums with 2 and 3 year old’s that are kicking off and I don’t envy them at all. It looks like bloody hard work and I dont think I have the patience. Here’s hoping I learn some before my little one gets to that age, or ill be throwing tantrums too!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Indeed, mine wasn’t too bad until he turned 3, he’s 4 now and still the biggest little asshole lol 😦 ..I keep thinking does it ever get easier? I have a 2 year old right nOw too and he’s nothing compared to my first born was at age 2 ..or maybe my 4 year old is just so much worse the 2year old doesn’t seem so bad lol

    Liked by 1 person

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